THAT CHICK E WAS DATING ON 'ENTOURAGE' SURE LOOKS A LOT LIKE NOTED RAPIST BRIAN PEPPERS

ISN'T THIS THE SAME KID?

WHY DO THEY KEEP LETTING ROZ CHAST DRAW CARTOONS?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA

(made by yours truly for Comedy Central's Tosh.0)

POOR FARRAH FAWCETT

NOT SO FAST, EMERALD MIST

THE SADDEST SECTION IN THE MOTHER'S DAY CARD DISPLAY

THIS IS A REAL MOVIE

Tommy and the Cool Mule: starring Kevin Sorbo and Ice-T as the voice of the mule.
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1273228/)

IF ONLY THE LYRICS WERE BETTER, THIS WOULD BE A HIT

DREW BARRYMORE ACTS LIKE A PRETENTIOUS A-HOLE ON LETTERMAN

(UPDATE: All kidding aside, I just watched Grey Gardens and she was fantastic.)

IF THEY CAN'T FIX IT, HOW THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO REPAIR IT?

THE APPLE DOESN'T HANG ITSELF FAR FROM THE TREE

CAN YOU IMAGINE ACTUALLY WINNING THIS PRIZE?

I think I'd tell them I have a call on the other line.

DO PEOPLE EVER USE ROOFIES FOR ANYTHING BESIDES DATE RAPE?

AT FIRST I WAS EXCITED BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT SAID CANADIAN BACON

I REALLY HOPE THE DELETED SCENES SECTION ON THE DVD WILL BE TITLED "SKIM MILK"

WORST REACTION TO THE GIFT OF A SWEATER EVER

Also, what does Morgan Fairchild think of all this? Click here.

THAT BLOOD ON THE USER'S MANUAL IS HIS ASSISTANT'S

I'VE ONLY SKIMMED THIS ARTICLE, BUT FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, IT SEEMS CUP O' NOODLE CURES LADY AIDS

HOW MUCH AUDIO CAN THEY REALLY BE DOING IN A.V. CLUBS THESE DAYS?

SIMON BAKER'S EYEBROWS ARE MADE OUT OF THE SAME THING AS SPENCER PRATT'S BEARD

IS IT RACIST THAT I FIND THE OBAMA BOOK A LITTLE BORING?

HOW'D YOU GET IN THERE, DICED APPLES?

I WON'T HOLD MY BREATH, BUT IF HOLLYWOOD EVER MAKES "THE JASON MRAZ STORY," I HOPE THEY CAST MATTHEW LILLARD.

THE VIRAL MARKETING FOR THE NEW GUS VAN SANT MOVIE IS JUST GETTING RIDICULOUS.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX IS TURNING INTO ZACH GALIFIANAKIS.

also, this.

THEN WHY DON'T THEY JUST SAY IT'S 11 DEGREES?

YOU KNOW TIMES ARE TOUGH FOR LISA KUDROW WHEN SHE CAN'T EVEN TOPLINE THE HOTEL FOR DOGS POSTER.

WORST REX MORGAN, MD EVER:

(click on strip for close-up)

YOU HAD ME AND THEN YOU LOST ME

(from the 1/9/09 issue of Entertainment Weekly)

IS THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO NAVIGATE TO THIS WEBSITE THAT DOESN'T ALREADY HAVE DTV?

WHENEVER A COCKTAIL CALLS FOR SIMPLE SYRUP, I ALWAYS THINK IT'S TOO COMPLICATED TO MAKE.

HAS ANYBODY EVER ACTUALLY FILLED ONE OF THESE THINGS OUT TO SUBSCRIBE TO A MAGAZINE?

2 REASONS GENE HACKMAN IS A GOOD CHOICE FOR YOUR UPCOMING CELEBRITY DEATH POOL:

1) I don't think he's been in a movie since Welcome to Mooseport.
2) He was born in 1930.

IF MY DOCTOR WAS THIS SARCASTIC, I'D PROBABLY START SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.

THE REAL QUESTION IS, HOW WILL THE LENO MOVE AFFECT "POKER AFTER DARK?"

HAS IT REALLY COME TO THIS, MONTEL?

BIG SURPRISE: THE GOLF CHANNEL IS SHOWING "CADDYSHACK."

HOW COME WE NEVER USE THE ADJECTIVE "FULL-BLOWN" TO DESCRIBE ANYTHING BESIDES AIDS?

"SEVEN POUNDS" IS WILL SMITH'S "VANILLA SKY."

"DOUBT" - A ONE-SENTENCE REVIEW

I "DOUBT" it will win any Oscars.

BRUCE CAMPBELL MUST HATE PATRICK WARBURTON.

.

SURELY THERE ARE BETTER THINGS TO CELEBRATE.

THEY'RE STILL BEARS, PEOPLE.

ALWAYS INFINITY: FOR WHEN YOU NEVER STOP HAVING YOUR PERIOD

REALLY, PANTENE?

You can't do better than "Fortifying Fortifier?"

I WAS GONNA SEE "SPEED RACER" THIS WEEKEND BUT I DECIDED TO PLAY THE RAINBOW ROAD LEVEL OF MARIO KART 64 INSTEAD.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY EAT THAT GIANT BURNED PEPPER OR GIANT BURNED TOMATO WHEN THEY GET MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD?

WHAT WAS UP WITH SETH GREEN'S EYEBROWS ON LAST NIGHT'S CONAN?

THEY'RE ALWAYS AT THE MOVIES, YET I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE ORDER THEM...

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHOULD BE MORE UPSET ABOUT FLAVOR FLAV'S NEW SITCOM...

The NAACP or the creators of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN GETTING ALL PSYCHED TO WATCH AN EPISODE OF IRON CHEF AMERICA AND THEN REALIZING IT'S A CAT CORA BATTLE?

NO MATTER WHO WINS, WE ALL LOSE

REDUNDANT BUMPER STICKERS

If you like Interpol, it's a pretty safe bet you're into Joy Division as well.

THEY'VE MADE THIS MOVIE LIKE 4 TIMES ALREADY